Here I am again opening up my heart and soul to you guys! I know you get to see a lot of “me” through my organizing and decorating blog posts, but sometimes, I like to step away from that and connect on a different level. And, for some reason, my computer was calling me to do that today.
Let me start by saying, “I love this blog!” It is my way of expressing myself because, honestly, I am not good with words. I am a little introverted and have a hard time finding my words, but when it comes to writing, it just clicks for me.
Probably sounds odd that a teacher has a hard time finding words. Yeah! It can happen. When it comes to my job, I feel comfortable because I know what I need to say. But, on a social level, I am a different person. I have grown a lot and I am not that shy girl that was afraid to speak in high school, but I still have a hard time finding my words from time-to-time.
When I changed the name of my blog in 2012, I did it and never once thought twice about it. It popped in my head one January morning and I immediately called my sister and said, “I’ve got the name!” Now, my sister knows me and she immediately knew the name “fit” me. Neither one of us thought two years down the road. Would people understand the name? Would the name hold me back from moving forward? Would people find it offensive?
Those questions NEVER popped in our heads.
But, now, I am sitting here two years later asking if I made the right decision. Should I have given the name more thought? I was not prepared for the negative responses from people thinking I was being hateful and rude to individuals with obsessive compulsive disorder. I have been asked to change the name of my blog and even had people say they would not follow it because of the name.
Those things cut me deep! And, it doesn’t get any easier.
I guess I just assumed people would understand that I have OCD. This blog is a way for me to express that side of me in a positive way. I would NEVER disrespect others intentionally. It is not in my character. I am the person that worries about hurting the feelings of others and who mentally and emotionally second-guesses every…single… thing.
Just like I am second-guessing my blog name at the moment because I do not want to offend others. I think it is part of my OCD and it is definitely a flaw. I wish I had the personality of the people who don’t care what others think and that can move forward without doubt. I was not blessed with that personality.
I guess you could say my personality is a good and bad thing.
I even thought looking up the formal definition of obsessive compulsive disorder would help.
Everyone double checks things sometimes. For example, you might double check to make sure the stove or iron is turned off before leaving the house. But people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) feel the need to check things repeatedly, or have certain thoughts or perform routines and rituals over and over. The thoughts and rituals associated with OCD cause distress and get in the way of daily life.
The frequent upsetting thoughts are called obsessions. To try to control them, a person will feel an overwhelming urge to repeat certain rituals or behaviors called compulsions. People with OCD can’t control these obsessions and compulsions. Most of the time, the rituals end up controlling them.
For example, if people are obsessed with germs or dirt, they may develop a compulsion to wash their hands over and over again. If they develop an obsession with intruders, they may lock and relock their doors many times before going to bed. Being afraid of social embarrassment may prompt people with OCD to comb their hair compulsively in front of a mirror-sometimes they get “caught” in the mirror and can’t move away from it. Performing such rituals is not pleasurable. At best, it produces temporary relief from the anxiety created by obsessive thoughts.
Other common rituals are a need to repeatedly check things, touch things (especially in a particular sequence), or count things.
Counting… sequences… rituals… repetition… germs… All of these things describe me (check out Why the Blog Name?)! So, PLEASE understand that I am not trying to offend the part of society that deals with OCD because I, myself, am part of that group.
It is my little dark secret that I try not to release very often because I don’t want the questions or crazy looks.
It is a personal struggle that I deal with daily. It has gotten better, but it is still present every day. I can’t walk out of the house until I have checked my flat iron at least 3 times, the coffee pot at least twice, and almost every outlet in my path.
So, please understand that I don’t mean to offend because I have OCD too!