I have been on the fence about discussing my issues about a couple of topics on my blog. But, I came across this article today while looking on MSN that made my decision a lot easier.
This article was one of the five top headlines for the day. So, I decided this was my opportunity to open up about my issues with the topic.
On the outside, I feel like I always look outgoing, enthusiastic, and like I am loving life. And, that is mostly true, but I have had some very dark times as well, which all started during pregnancy (Please don’t think I am against pregnancy. I dearly want to have another baby, actually.).
I deeply wanted to be one of those individuals that loved to be pregnant. The ones that love to eat more and not worry about it, and that truly love the feeling of having a baby growing inside of them (sorry for the graphic description). But, I never experienced that! I think I was expecting too much, to be honest.
Then, when my daughter finally arrived, my life seemed complete until I started to mentally feel like I was on a roller coaster ride. Right after my daughter’s birth, I was on “the go” so much that I didn’t have time to stop and think. So, it took me awhile to realize what was going on. A couple of months into my role as a mom, I started feeling unsuccessful as a mother and wife. I felt like I wasn’t giving enough, even though I was giving them my all. Being a mom was supposed to be easy like Carol Brady and Claire Huxtable made it appear to me as I was growing up. I was comparing myself to television characters that weren’t real. But, it still didn’t help things. Then, things escalated when I decided to go back on birth control pills. I experienced very harsh thoughts that I knew weren’t right. They would not go away as much as I tried to mentally force them to. So, I looked it up online and many other individuals were experiencing the same thing I was that had been prescribed birth control pills. I immediately took myself off the pills.
When, my post-delivery visit came a few months after my daughter’s birth, I explained to my doctor my issues. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt like a complete failure as a mother and wife. I wasn’t supposed to be one of the individuals experiencing these things.
I am not an individual that believes in medication. I hate taking it, but in this situation, I had to give up the fight and just take the medication that was prescribed to me (Lexapro). Lexapro is an anti-depressant. My doctor said I was going through post-partum depression, and it is very common. I have learned that a lot of women go through it, but just aren’t vocal about it. Basically, my hormones were jumping all over the place and the birth control bills just added to the mix. After about 6 months, I felt I was mentally strong enough to handle life. So, I slowly winged myself off my medication.
Well, a year later, I started feeling a little anxious and nervous all the time. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it was post-pregnancy. I didn’t have harsh thoughts or anything related to them. I just felt like I was on edge all the time. So, once again, I explained my symptoms to my doctor, and I am now on Zoloft. And, let me tell you, it has made a world of difference. I feel happier, more relaxed, and my edge is gone.
I have realized through my experience that sometimes medication is the answer. I know that it is highly likely that I will experience this again with another pregnancy, but I feel more equipped and prepared than I was before.
I am still a happy person who loves life and everything about it, so please do not look at me negatively for going through such a situation. Sometimes, situations are out of our control, and this was definitely one of those times for me.
Love to each one of you,